No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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