she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
