is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
