i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Someone came in the potted fern
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
