you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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