remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
