Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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