I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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