My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
