I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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