It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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