Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
