just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
