Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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