I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I need to sanitize my soul.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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