I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.