It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward