I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
