Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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