I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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