Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
