We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
