I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
