she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
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The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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