Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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