I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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