She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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