If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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