You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
