Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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