Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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