she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
