Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
