im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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