I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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