my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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