We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
