Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
