Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
