i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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