Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
