What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
