i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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