Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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