I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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