I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
