gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
