I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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