well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
