I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
