aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
