I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
