there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
