At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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