I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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