Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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