The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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