She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
