i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
