i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
