oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
